Day #....eh, fuck it.

It's been a minute. But, thanks to a dear friend, I have decided to give blogging another go.
Because sometimes work is super slow and it's probably a better idea for me to productively distract myself than gouge my eyes out for entertainment.
I dunno, just a thought.
I was going to write about my thoughts on how everyone will always hate their job no matter what because nothing is ever as good as you imagine it to be.
...but then, something interesting happen.

I had my future read by tarot cards.


Ryon Rhoades is an old friend of mine who developed an interest in Wicca studies and other spiritual /magical hobbies. Hopefully none in which includes voodoo (who do? YOU DO!) because I don't like the idea of someone making a doll in the likeness of me and shoving pins into my vagina...
Anyway. Recently we were conversing about his switch to these ideas and told me that he did, in fact, know how to read tarot cards.Considering my soon-to-be trip to London, I said to myself, well, it couldn't hurt to see.
I, personally, never really thought much about palm readings, tarot cards, or horoscopes.
I always thought that they were purposefully vague so you can fill in your own meanings.
"You recently had a good day." - "OMG, U R SO RITE!! HOW U NO?!"
Shoot me now.

But, I love new experiences and have heard from reliable sources that these are actually unnervingly accurate. And I thought to myself "Hey, they give some good advice, so, why not?"

The first thing that threw me off was how incredibly NOT vague they were. They were actually highly specific. I seriously got a card that said I would be taking a trip to a different country (or maybe it said land, or world, or something). Let's just say that got my attention pretty fast.

Here's the summary:
About every other card mentioned a HUGE change in my life; I mean like, 5 cards stated this. I had, I believe, two that stated I would be taking a journey/trip/adventure. The repetition of "big change, life changing, shift in my world" was kind of eerie, but it gets even better!
I got a card stating I would have a huge decision to make, and that it would change my life (there's that C word again...). I had, then, another card that mentioned that I would need to see the big picture and read all the fine print with making a permanent life changing decision.

Okay, yes, I GET IT. MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE.

I, then, got a card saying that my trip wouldn't go exactly how I planned it to go. And that I'm trying to balance two different outcomes of a decision and I'm not sure which one to take (such as not knowing what I'm actually going to do in London, maybe?).
I also got a card stating that a decision I make will cause me to fight away feeling of depression.
And later I got one that said something along the lines of something major happening in my life that could cause a depression that will require counseling.

...wonderful...

But, there is a bright side.
It told me I would have a wonderful date/night out/evening (can't remember the exact word) out with an old lover. And that I would receive a message of love in form of a friendship or relationship. Weirdly enough, I got that one in two of my readings.

Not horrible, I can dig it.

Then I got one that said my living situation would change. And that I would meet, or have already met, 3 people, a male and two women, who will help me financially, socially, and mentally. And that I'll have a career shift, and a great flow of creative ideas, and a hobby will help me realize all of this.

Sweet!
So, overall, according to the cards, my trip is going to change my life, though it won't go exactly as I plan it too. I'll have a big decision to make, one I need to really look at in detail and not rush into. I'll have a switch in my finances and house situation, for the better. My eskrima hobby is going to help me realize a great idea that could shift my career choice. And I'll meet people who will give me great advice and opportunities. And that things will go well with Matt, but I will deal with a great depression, for one reason or another, that will be traumatizingly bad..

Hm. Well, at least the plane isn't going to crash and I won't be kidnapped and forced into sex-slavery. :D

Day #8

If I could only express to you the true inner peace I feel when I have a rattan stick in my hands.
I can feel the shifting weight as I move back and forth to adjust my positioning.
Heel to ball of foot, foot to heel.
Step, to stomp, to slide.
Triange step, wide, thin.
Shifting leads.

It's simply amazing how I've progressed.
When I first started I couldn't move my feet to attack at the same time.
I said "Bruce! It's impossible! Too much to do at once. Too much to pay attention too!"
And he says "You are smarter than you think."
and "If you were stupid, I wouldn't waste my time with you."

Now I find myself moving and adjusting range based on the other persons position.
I never thought I could; I don't even do it on purpose.
It's like second nature.

Then it came to learn how to use my empty hand.
Which is the hand that DOESN'T have a stick.
I said "Bruce, I have to move, attack, and use my second hand to block or disarm?!"
And he said "You can do this, give yourself more credit."

Now I free flow (attack/block/counter slowly, in turns) and my partner says,
"Stop grabbing my stick with your free hand!"
and I say "Sorry, I don't mean to, it just happens."
It is now like second nature. I am able to move per attack, adjust, and use my free hand."

I have much, much more to learn. How to shift my weight and keep balance.
The half-steps, the dropping to attack, largo-mono.
Different ranges of attacks.

But, I love escrima. I truly found a hobby I have a real passion for.
For no other reason than do enjoy that hour, twice a week, with Bruce.

For my birthday, the gift Bruce gave me was this statement:
"You will become a great escrimador one day. You have a gift, truly."
I was glowing for a week. It brought tears to my eyes.

I train hard, and practice harder.
If I miss a class, for any reason, I feel angry and restless.
It truly has become a need. A desire. A must.

One day, I hope, I can move like the "old men".
To make Bruce proud.
To have all different sizes and weights of sticks.
To be able to understand the connection between double stick, single, and completely empty.
To be able to fight with a staff.

Only time will tell, but this is one thing I will never be able to give up.
<3

Day #6

Can it truly be expressed, the power of cleanliness has upon me?
The smell of bleach and citrus bubbles of dish soap.
The high of chemicals, the sparkling shine of polished porcelain?

Yeah, probably could.
But, eh, that seems like a lot of effort.

My main problem is I love things to be clean, and I live with two boys.
NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love them dearly. Chris is my protector, Bryan is my rock.
But when it comes to cleaning, it has been a... rocky road.

But, it's the little things that matter in life, and today I woke up with the grand surprise of this.

Clean dishes.
For the first time in almost a month, we have silverware!
And BOWLS! I'm not using the same bowl over and over again.
I actually almost cried, like, seriously.

The biggest reason this was so powerful for me was that both my boys were out of town this past weekend, so I went on a two day cleaning spree. I mean, I bleached the floors AND WALLS. I cleaned everything, swept, picked up, polished, and sprayed. I mean, the whole nine yards (which is funny because my laundry STILL isn't done...)
And when they came home, I asked them to do the dishes since I cleaned everything but they didn't.
I felt a little used, really. I mean, they didn't ask me to clean, but, you know.
I just wanted a little something back for my efforts to help them.

Which was my mistake for expecting something in return for something I was doing for my own sanity.

But then I woke up to this and I felt so full of joy.
I mean, I know the dishes will quickly stack back up... from all of us!
But until then, I can enjoy a sink barely full of dishes and cabinets full of stuff. :)
And clean silverware, yes, yes, yes.

Day #5 - 1/3 Complete

(I really need to clean the smudge on my camera...)
Anyway.

I have ventured out of my comfort zone, and done so alone! I have waged war against the evils of anxiety and fear. Off in to the new unknown like the first man on the moon, I plan on making a permanent mark along the way. Never will this freeing action, the elevated morning, this releasing moment, be forgotten. I, for once, set my foot down and said "enough is enough" and made the right decision. The road will be rocky, and I will need a hand or two from friends along the way, but what I'm about to do will impact my life forever. And I have made the first step in this journey further and further from my comfort zone.

"Find what you're afraid of. Now, go there."

I already, truly, feel lighter than I ever have before in my soul. In my head, I said "this is too hard, too much effort. I could go home and forget all about this", but I know what I'm about to do has to be done, despite the dangerous, deadly consequences. But after I (barely) made it to work, on only 3 hours of sleep, I was so excited and full of energy, feeling the flowing embrace of independence, and well, for now, all my worries are gone, replaced with the rush for the adventure that is soon to be had.

Am I rambling?
Perhaps I am, but, that just shows you how high on excitement I truly am.

Day #4

So, as some of you, though not most of you, know, I've quit smoking again.
And as most of you, thought not some of you, know, this would be the bazillionth time this year.

But, I have a good reason not to smoke this time: I don't have a license.
Apparently driving 43 mph in a 25 zone is an arrestable offense; who knew?

But, thanks to some well-played talking, she just took my license for bond. Furthermore, screw you SIUE! Which I'm praying HEAVILY that I am able to get it back with how many tickets I have... guess I'll find out in December.
(Side Note: I've got 6+ in the last 2 months, oops...)

Now, this isn't the first time I've quit smoking, as mentioned before, but this is the first time I have a solid reason other than Fighting.

1) No license to buy smokes anyway.
2) Needing to save up money.
3) (CAN'T TELL YOU YET...probably next week though!)

I smoked about a pack every 3 days. So, that's around... 30 dollars a paycheck, maybe more?
Not counting the gas I spend going to the gas stations that are, of course, ALL out of my way.

It's spectacular though. My teeth look so white, lately. And I'm saving on perfume and breath mints too! Even though it's only been a few days, I feel like I can breath and taste a little better, like, forrealz.

The withdrawals I'm not very appreciative of, though. I pretty much eat everything in site. Which is where I fall back on my vegetarianism to keep me in check. Because veggies are fucking expensive.
Damn tomatoes... FUCK 'EM!
No, don't, that's gross.

But, seriously, it's going pretty well.
When I get a bad craving, which happens often, I just go and do something to keep me busy, eat something to keep my mouth busy, or brush my teeth... maybe that's why my teeth are so white...

Anyway, wish me luck! If I call/text you stating I really need a smoke, just distract me (PLEASE) and furthermore... uh, well, if I ask to bum one from you (ATTN: JESSICA MITCHELL, KIRK NEMETH) say "No", I'm begging you. I really do want to kick this unhealthy, expensive habit.

Day #3

Warning: This post is going to be longer due to the extensity of this adventure.
P.S. Extensity is my word. Don't steal it; I like it. Mine, Mine, Mine!
So, today started at 6:30am.Destination: Buddhist Temple in Augusta, MO.A good... oh, 1 hour and 30 minute drive.Now, even though I've held a strong interest in this personal, shall we say, lifestyle, I've never formally been introduced to the practice.
But, last night at around 11:30pm I said "FUCK IT, I'M GOING."
And then felt stupid because I just shouted into an empty house for no reason.
Anyway.Any of you who know me well know I shouldn't be driving for any long period of time.
And, for serious, this drive was the furthest I've ever traveled on my own....furthermore, I hate Missouri drivers.
Once I got off the highway and into the country area (BARELY ALIVE!), I had to make a few detours...


Now tell me this isn't the most beautiful representation of nature in the Fall you've ever seen?
I was literally speechless at the splendorous scene I happened to stumble upon; it was lovely.
But the restrooms I could do without...


Once I got about an hour into my drive, the roads started getting, uh, let's say "challenging".
Yeah, challenging is a good word to use.


There was literally a 50+ foot fall at either side of me, and the road was only wide enough for ONE car.Furthermore, it was a very curved, grave road. I have a truck with rear-wheel drive.
FUCKING SHOOT ME NOW.


SEE? This is like, an inch from the side of the road. I wanted to pee.

Then of course, try being terrified, in the middle of nowhere, then finding out YOU HAVE NO SIGNAL.Meaning, yup, no GPS either.I ended up in a town called DEFIANCE, which was literally 5 miles long, and it smelled like cow poop and grapes (wineries, specifically).



Yeah, I bet that town just LOVES us black folk...
My Grandma asked me later "Why didn't you ask for directions?"
I replied with the fact that being lynched is not on my "To-Do List" for the day.
But, after braving the scary hick-country towns, the horrible roads, the 50 foot drops, and Missouri Drivers without a GPS or working cellular device on maybe 5 hours of sleep, I finally reached my destination and witnessed how incredibly worthwhile my trip was.



It was spell-bounding.
Beautiful, serene, relaxing, marvelous, etc.

I met with one of the nuns/teachers for the monastery/temple and she gave me a brief history and tour of the place.



After a few others spilled in, we began service.

30 minutes of sitting meditation.
30 minutes of walking meditation (my personal preference).
30 minutes of Dharma discussion.
Then a BEAUTIFUL 30 minutes of chanting.

It has never been so easy to let go of yourself.
Now, I want to say I felt at peace with myself, you know, centered, or reawakened.
But that would be lie.

I felt the exact opposite. Which, after asking my teachers about this, said it's a good thing.
I felt disconnected. Let go. Separate from everything around me, including myself.
They said my brain is letting go of the concept of a "self" and that I shouldn't let this frighten me.
It was a very unusual feeling.

Not a negative feeling, just... unusual.

After, me and everyone from the services gathered downstairs for a quick meal chant and a delicious vegetarian feast.
I really have no idea any of the foods I ate; in fact, it may not have even been food for all I know.
I certainly didn't recognize any of it, except for the apples. I KNOW THAT FOOD!
But, it was kind of amazingly delicious.

And we all sat in the dinning hall, eating, talking about where we were all from and how we found this place.
We had a guy from India who was a World Traveler.
We had a guy from Portugal who was escaping the economic problems.
We had a medical student from Wash U.
And had a twice divorced mother of 6.

There were about 20 other people, but they were too far down the table for me to really talk to them.
But everyone I met was so incredibly diverse that the very idea of sitting and sharing a meal together seemed near to impossible. I mean, literally, the only thing any of us had in common was that we were breathing and interested in the teachings of Buddha. But it was such a relaxed environment. At no point did I ever felt judged, we didn't talk about anything pressing or saddening, we just ate and enjoyed each others company for the short amount of time we had.

Later I was invited by my teacher to stay at the monastery sometime soon for an all day study and meditation session. I was amazed at her trust in me. It was so... refreshing.

I will be back again; I feel my decision to follow the teachings of Buddha have finally been supported.
It was easily one of the most spiritual adventures I have ever had the privilege to be apart of.

Day #2

Vegetarianism.
Yeah, I went there.

Okay, okay. Give me a break. I already don't eat red meat; in fact, I can't. If I try, I projectile vomit... or cry and wish death upon my insides. It's miserable.
Side Note: You know how many fast food places don't use real meat? ALMOST ALL OF THEM!!

Especially Jack In The Box. Mmm... love their soy meat tacos. ;)

Anyway. Buddha taught that we should respect all living creatures. Originally, I just did the red meat thing as a half-ass attempt at living by those teachings. I said to myself "I'm black; I can't live without chicken!" or "I'm white and raised Catholic, I can't live without fish!" so I'm like, hellz yeah, white meat all the way. Besides, red meat takes 3x as long to digest meaning WEIGHT GAIN! No thanks.

But, that really doesn't cut it. You can't half-ass some things, like being a vegetarian...you know, killing animals. If I choose to kill some animals and not others, well, that just makes me a racist.
So, that being said, yes, I decided to finally take it to the next level and go meatless as free my mind from the evils of murder, or something like that.

I'm sure I'll slip up, which is okay, because even Buddha acknowledge the fact that sometimes, you have no choice but to eat meat to survive. It's less of a political statement and more of a religious experience though, so, well, you know.

Shopping for meatless meals was HELL though.
If I could block out that experience from my mind for the rest of my life, I think I'd be set.
Having to read the back of every can of soup... every box of rice mix... walking by the frozen food aisle...looking at all the delicious frozen pizzas. I DON'T EVEN LIKE PIZZA!

It's okay though, Mozzarella Sticks are my favorite food, so, I can always rely on that to make me feel superb.
By the way... if I ever completely put my food down against all fried food, rip my liver out and smash it into my face while calling me a "stupid, stupid girl", please?
I promise, I won't press charges.

But this idea, this things I'm doing...it's more of a will power thing, like, above all else.
"Do you possess the constitution to go as far as need be?"

I've always admired the will power of anorexics, to be completely honest.
You know how hard it is to REALLY want a hamburger but eat half an apple and 3 glasses of water instead?
Incredible will power.
But, I would never torture myself to that degree; so I'm taking a healthier approach at testing my ability to say "no" to something I crave.